WAN SINGER WAN SONG.
It was a Saturday night, my dad had asked a few friends round for drinks, when I say a few friends I mean four of their favourites. Mary, Wullie, Phil and Aggie. who were my parents Lizzie & Hugh’s best friends, dad known as Shuggie.
I can just imagine it; dad in the pub. ‘Why don’t you awe come tae mine fur a wee swally, Saturday eh?’ It was the late sixties, I was a teenager, hated those Saturday night soirees. They were awful, mum would put bowls of crisps and nuts on the coffee table; her posh fare was grapefruits with cocktail sticks full of pickled onions, squares of cheese and pineapple chunks;. the grapefruits looked like hedgehogs. ‘Awe that’s lovely,’ Mary and Aggie would gush, ‘ye shouldn’ae have gone tae awe that trouble Lizzie.’ ‘Oh it’s no trouble ladies, only a few wee bits and bobs.’ Secretly she enjoyed their praise. She thought she was a cut above Mary and Aggie.
Saturday night came, and it was the usual scenario. Mum in her best dress, she wore a dress with about 5 underskirts which made her dress stick out like a ballerinas dad casual, he hated dressing up. The 2 other couples came in. Aggie was mutton dressed as lamb. She had on a black pencil skirt, white blouse, great big white high heels and black tights. She looked and walked like a penguin. Mary was a bit more demure with twin set and pearls. Food set on the table, oohing and aahing, ‘awe ye shouldnh’ae gone to all that trouble,’ bla bla bla. I went to my room to listen to top of the pops, but I could hear all the banter.
‘Whose fur a swally? Dad had started pouring the drinks. ‘Ach I’ll just have a wee sherry,’ mum said. I knew a wee sherry was just for show. Mum was an attention seeker, she was waiting to see what the other women asked for. Mary and Aggie both wanted whisky. ‘Ehhh I’ll just have a whisky too, instead of the sherry. Just a wee wan mind.’ Mum could be posh and slang in one sentence. She knew full well that dad would give her the same measure as the rest. Then the party really started. ‘Gies a song’ Phil said, ‘come oan Shuggie, it’s your hoose, you have tae start the party.’ In those days a sing song was the entertainment.
‘Gies Kathleen,’ Said Wullie. Kathleen was my dad’s favourite song. He didn’t have to be asked twice. I knew he was desperate to sing. ‘Kathleen so fair and bright ehhh’, he belted out in a shaky voice. They all sang in shaky voices back then and the end always ended in ehhh. At the chorus, everyone joined in.’ Order order wan singer wan song Wullie shouted’
‘Right Lizzie, it’s your turn.’ ‘Oh no my voice is not as good as it used to be. Mary elbowed Aggie and whispered; ‘whit makes her think she was any good in the first place.’ They both giggled. ‘Come oan Lizzie gies a Steak and Kidney number,’ meaning a Sydney Devine song. ‘No, No’ someone else go before me.’ She obviously wanted to be coaxed. Aggie opened her mouth to sing; Aha aha, hold on Aggie I’ll gie it a try. Doing her posh and slang thing again. ‘O the crystal chandelier lights up the painting on the wall. Mum sang out. Again at the chorus they all joined in. Wullie shouted order order, wan singer wan song. Scottish, Irish, Sydney Devine’s Chrystal Chandelier and Tinyeee bub-beels, (tiny bubbles) to Dean Martins Little Ol’ Wine drinker me, were all murdered.
‘Jean’? My dad was shouting on me. ‘What?’ ‘Bring us yer gramophone.’ ‘Oh dad it’s not called a gramophone now, It’s a record player.’ Whitever the hell it’s called bring it here, we’re sung oot. I brought my record player down to the living room. There were no cd players back then, It was all vinyl’s.
Dad had a few records, the Clancy Brothers, the Corries and wait for it! The Celtic song. I was praying he would not play that one. How wrong was I? Seconds later Glen Daly was belting out. So it’s a grand auld team to play for.
Awe! ‘Wait a minute!’ Wullie shouted, ‘haud oan, haud oan, enough enough, there’s nae need fur that.’ ‘It’s ma hoose and I can play whit I like’. ‘Oh is that right, well oot the back and we’ll see aboot that,’ Wullie retorted. They both staggered out to the back court.
‘Come oan ya ya wee proddie.I’ll show ye aye I’ll show ye.’ ‘Awe will ye noo? Ya ya wee eh eh pape.’ ‘Hello Hello we are the Billy Boys, we are the PEO-PELL’ (people). Wullie bellowed. Their sleeves were rolled up and their fists were clenched. ‘Stop It’, Mary shouted; ‘yer dancing around there like a pair o’ eejits,’ Lizzie was crying, saying, ‘the polis’ll come and ye’ll baith get arrested.’ No posh voice! Phil was trying to get into the middle of them. The neighbours were all looking out of their windows enjoying the spectacle. I heard one woman say; ‘this is a rare Saturday nights entertainment. Better than the telly.’
Not a punch was thrown, they danced around each other, faces like beetroots clenching their puny little fists, bearing their teeth and repeating, ‘I’ll get ye,’ ‘Naw ye’ll no,’ ‘I’ll get you.’ No if I get you first.’ Just as Wullie was about to land Shuggie a punch on the face, a screeching, howling, wail came in unison, they sounded like two banshees bellowing in the country. ‘AHHHHH whit the f….’ They were drenched, looked like drowned rats. Aggie had thrown a bucket of water over them from the upstairs window. She couldn’t have aimed any better; drowning them in midstream, if you’ll pardon the pun? Mary and my mum shouted up. ‘Well done Aggie that’ll teach that pair o’ numpties.’ Phil the peacemaker, said ‘come oan boys let’s get you inside, dried and have a wee cup o’ tea tae heat yis up.’ Phil put the kettle on while mum found some dry clothes.
They both came into the living room looking very subdued. I think the bucket of water had sobered them up. ‘Right shake hands,’ Mary commanded. They looked at each other for a minute, then shook hands. ‘Awe a didn’ae mean whit a said Shuggie.’ ‘Naw neither did I Wullie.’ They patted each other on the back. Phil came in with the tea. ‘That’ll no heat us up Phil,??? Whit we need is another haulf.’ ‘Aye’ Wullie beamed, ‘let’s get this party back oan track.’ ‘My mum in her posh accent reiterated. ‘No more party songs Hugh.’ ‘Aggreed’? ‘Aye agreed Lizzie.’ But Wullies voice was heard above all. Jist remember!’ ‘Wan singer wan song.’